


Don't take the cake!

by Toinette93



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Almond Slices, Dialogue-Only, Everything is Beautiful and Nothing Hurts, Fluffy, Freddie talking about biscuits, Gen, Monologue, POV First Person, POV Freddie, Prompt Fill, Short One Shot, argument
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:35:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24550933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toinette93/pseuds/Toinette93
Summary: You want to know about the biscuits? Which biscuits are you talking about, dear? The Kipling almond slices?---This is my answer to this prompt :That Time No One Was Allowed To Touch Freddie’s BiscuitsOne of my duties for Freddie was to go down to the bakery on Dalston High Street every morning before he arrived and get him some Mr Kipling almond slices to go with his tea [...] Freddie told me that no one else in the band was allowed any of his almond slices, but that I could help myself. To be honest, I thought this was just Fred being Fred [...] Brian took an almond slice without asking, and there was a minor row about it. Freddie made this big announcement: “No one isallowed to touch my almond slices, no one … except Andy!”Andy Turner (assistant sound engineer at Wessex Sound in 1977) on Freddie’s strong feelings about Mr Kipling, quoted by Mark Blake (ITRL)
Relationships: John Deacon & Brian May & Freddie Mercury & Roger Taylor
Comments: 18
Kudos: 22
Collections: Freddie Mercury Weekend 2020!





	Don't take the cake!

You want to know about the biscuits? Which biscuits are you talking about, dear? The Kipling almond slices? You were told there were my favourite and I would not let anyone else eat them? That it would actually be a cause for arguments? Well, food always was, for some reason, should have seen Rog and Brian argue about omelets, it took quite epic proportions, I assure you. What ingredients were or were not appropriate on an omelet, how long it should cook for, who ate the last piece… I digress... Kipling almond slices, you say? Yes, I love them of course, they’re delicious, but an argument, doesn’t quite ring a bell.

It sounded like a very funny story, and one you could relate to, because pastries are one of the greatest pleasures in life? Well, I can think of a few other kind of pleasures that would come higher on my list, darling, but to each their own, I suppose. And those pastries were quite wonderful. Hmmm. Let me think.

Who told you that story? Andy Turner? Ohhhh Yes, of course, Andy. Nice chap. He was the one who used to go pick up the biscuits, never took any for himself without asking, the dear man, not like that rotter… Now I remember. Let me tell that story right.

To start with, there are a few things you need to know to understand this little tale. First, how delicious, exquisite, special those biscuits are. Well, used to be, they’ve changed the recipe since, and they’re still very good, but not quite right anymore. Anyhow, those are tiny things, sweet with a tinge of bitterness from the almonds, the outside slightly crispy, the inside soft, tender, just the right texture on the tongue, a veritable delight. And not just for taste. The smell was enticing in and of itself, they were quite artfully presented little things, and even the sound it made when you bit into it was just right.

And they were not easily easy to get. There were not cheap, sure, but that wasn’t exactly a problem at that point. No, the main thing was that you could only get them in the one bakery, and not for very long during the day, they were quite rare, you had to wake up at an ungodly hour in the morning to go get them. Well, Andy had to at any rate.

The other thing you need to know is that a half-awake Brian will steal your food. I don’t know where he puts it, well, he’s a giant of course, but he still seems to be only made of skin and bones that one. And yet, if he’s not quite awake – which is anytime before at least noon really, he’ll grab anything vaguely vegetarian looking and just eat it all without even thinking about it. The others are no better, mind you, even if they were innocent that one time. Roger would do it just to mess with you or because he has a sweet-tooth, without even appreciating it, and John has kids, and might steal stuff for them. Children. Who’d probably prefer ghastly mars bars. Now you understand why Andy was really the only one I could trust with not eating them all without even a hint of appreciation if I allowed him to take some without asking, don’t you, dear? Nice lad that Andy, really, I wonder what has become of him.

That time, the culprit was Brian. Roger and I were working on our vocals, John was talking with one of the sound engineer about something technical or other, and Brian was seated on the couch, waiting for it to be his turn to add something to the song, reading some book. Andy came in with the biscuits. I got my head up from the sound board to thank him, and there was Brian, eating one of them without even noticing what he was doing. Absentmindedly eating one of my rare, expensive, delicious biscuits. Now, I don’t mind sharing, but the lack of appreciation really was appalling. A lack of consideration for everyone involved in the making and delivering of that biscuit.

So I pointed it out to him. In what way?  I t  has been quite a while,  dear I’m not sure I remembe r the specifics. Something around the lines of Brian, you… well I’m not sure what I insulted him with really, but I’m sure I found something.  A nyhow, Brian, could you fucking ask before you eat these things that Andy brought back for me from the other side of London. Something along those lines. “Fuck off, Freddie, it’s just biscuits” I believe he said. Now that was obviously not a very nice thing to say, and so we started arguing. Roger tried to play diplomat telling me those were really just biscuits, and if I was maybe overreacting a bit, and telling Brian he should have asked, and he could just say he would next time. Quite reasonable, really, as Roger can often be at the start of the argument. Then, of course he gets dragged into it, and starts arguing against both sides at the same time, with more energy that should really be available to anyone. After a little bit John started watching us with a smirk, and I’m quite sure although I never could prove it that he ate a biscuit while we were at it without anyone noticing. 

Roger and Brian, having temporarily reconciled – well with those two, the precision wasn’t really necessary, they’re always either arguing or temporarily reconciled, they bicker like an old married couple more than they do with their respective wives – sot they ganged up on me and tried to take biscuits from the plate. So I took the plate, held it high… Yes I know I’m the smallest, I may have had to climb on the table, but it doesn’t matter. So I held it high and proclaimed: _“_ No one is allowed to touch my almond slices, no one … except Andy!”. I had to add the caveat. He was the one to wake up early to get them for me in the first place. 

Then John pointed out that he did intend to make music at some point today, Brian huffed, Roger groaned, I got down from the table and the argument sort of sizzled out. It probably started again half an hour later, though hopefully about something music-related. If I shared the almond slices with them in the end? Well, yes, of course I did, dear, there really was too much for just me, and that’s really what I bought them for in the first place. They were quite delicious.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey folks,  
> Hope you liked my little fic, thanks for reading. Come tell me what you thought of it in the comments.  
> It is a contribution to the Freddie Mercury Weekend 2020! It was mt first time participating in something like that, or writing first person from Freddie's POV, and I had a lot of fun, thanks nastally for organizing it!  
> Take care !  
> Toinette out.


End file.
